Not this week

Thursday, August 28, 2014

itsonlyyou etsy shop
I'm just gonna put it out there - this week was a mess.  Besides my own loss, there was at least one more this week, in the family of a coworker.  Couple that with exercising two horses a night almost every day this week, one of them throwing a shoe mid-ride tonight, and people from every part of my life pushing my buttons, I think I'm calling this week a do-over.  Thank goodness for the long weekend we're about to have here in the States and I'm hoping that once September starts, everything will find it's correct rhythm again.  Maybe.  Fingers crossed.

Life lessons: #9

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Michael Hall

The sooner you set aside pride and apologize, the sooner you can stop wasting time agonizing about your mistake.

When time stands still

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

The breakneck pace with which 2014 has been galloping has been exhausting, to say the least.  It’s felt like everything this year has rushed by, and I’m caught looking at things in the rearview mirror.  My desperate attempt at slowing things down, for myself, has been to adjust life to my speed where I can but that doesn’t mean that everything else isn’t continuing to charge forward.  However, this week, life has hit the pause button.  My mom’s father passed away in the early hours of Monday morning and all of a sudden, it’s as though time is standing still.  Although it was not completely unexpected, his passing caught us all off guard.  With the recent onset of Parkinson’s and Alzheimer's, he had become too much to handle at home, even with a full-time caregiver, and was recently moved to hospice.  The doctors had told us that, with good care, he would have another 6 months, which we heard just this past weekend.

Everyone, myself included, is still trying to gather themselves, to respond in the way that is the most appropriate to his memory and helpful to the extended family.  It seems eerie how time seems to crawl to a snail’s pace at times like this.  Time is now frozen as a windowpane that has just been shattered, on the shards spinning and twinkling in mid-air.  Whether they fall harmlessly or with a slicing, dicing crash is yet to be seen.  Frozen time, with its slogging thaw, has us all captive, and I am tired and weary of it all already.

Perhaps it’s a good thing that time has paused, for us to find our sense of closure.  My emotionally-stunted, robotic self is always unsure what to do in times and situations like these, how to react to others and how to express sympathy and grief.  Tears are something that have never seemed adequate to me, shed over frustration instead of sadness.  I promise I’m not a sociopath; during this pause, I intend to use my frozen time to figure out what his life meant to me and how to celebrate it.

Return of an old friend

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Doctor Who may be the only show that I've ever binge-watched, which I did almost exactly two years ago whilst still living in Houston and working from home.  In those days, I was still struggling to work out the kinks, acclimating myself to almost zero social interaction during the day and setting my own schedule.  I was having a time of it, striving for the correct balance between being productive but also not overwhelmed with constantly working because my "office" was a few steps away and started an episode of Who in the evenings to catch my breath and a break, beginning with the Christopher Eccleston 2005 reboot.  My one-episode-per-night... which quickly became a handful of episodes during the day.  And then turned into full days of exploring all of space and time with the Doctor, courtesy of an Amazon prime membership.  To this day, I maintain a not-so-secret crush on David Tennant, my very favourite Doctor, because of the wonderment and laughter he was able to provide me during a very solitary summer.

This weekend, the newest season of Doctor Who began with the newest reincarnation of the Doctor.  Although he may have a face that looks older, there is much that the writers preserved of the familiar Doctor Who set up that we all know and love.  Slightly outrageous (okay, incredibly outrageous) fantastical science fiction plot elements and groan-worthy one-liners are still the name of the game and it was almost with a sigh of relief that I found those elements to be unchanged.  Even though it was only two years ago that I met him, a lot has changed since then and I am again confronted with solitude, of a little different kind this time around.  It's funny, those things that reassure us that all is right with the world and surprisingly, or rather unsurprisingly, it was Doctor Who once again that made it all okay.  And so it was that this weekend, for pure pleasure and joy and a bit of an escape, I welcomed the Doctor into my home for another adventure.

"No fear" or "my horse is a nut"

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Sometimes, life throws you surprises.  On a bright, sunny, seemingly harmless day, you could be plodding along your merry way when something appears out of the corner of your eye that wasn’t there before.  It wasn’t there yesterday or the day before.  Alarm bells start clanging, jangling around in that big noggin of yours, and your heart races and breathing becomes faster.

Where did it come from and when did it get there?

Sure, you can jump about like a Nervous Nellie and get anxious about it.  Eye it suspiciously, turning your head from side to side, making sure you capture it with both eyes.  Fixate on it.  Ask yourself the same question over and over again.  Toss your head, toss your hair.  Toss your cookies.  Spin in circles.  Get excited, way too excited.

Where did this come from?  What is it?

This?  Oh it’s a coiled up, bright red garden hose.

I’m going to work up a sweat.  No, more of a lather, because it’s there.  When did it get there!?
You’re going to move it for me?  Thank you thank you move it for me.  Even after you move it for me, I might still anticipate it being there and have a mild conniption every time I turn the corner.  Is it gone?  Can I peek?

My dear, dear boy, things in life are going to appear, suddenly, out of nowhere, for reasons that you don’t know and cannot fathom.  Don’t be frozen into inaction due to fear.  Don’t whirl around in spirals, expending all of your energy because it happens.  You’ll exhaust the spit out of yourself (and everyone else around you).  And all over what?  A gardening implement.  Serenity and acceptance, it comes with age, wisdom and cooler weather, I hope.

Life lesson: Don’t fear the hose.

Waiting game

Monday, August 18, 2014

He kept fidgeting.

Tapping his toes to an inaudible beat, tilting his iPad left and right, so the screen flipped up and down and sideways.  A sheet of paper covered with scribbles and notes lay flat on the table top alongside an uncapped pen - both undisturbed the whole time he sat there, an ill concealed attempt at studying.  He rummaged through his backpack again, then ran his fingers through his thick curly hair and scratched at his scalp.  He looked down at his iPad for another two minutes, eyes unfocused, before he looked up again and let his eyes roam around the room.  A moment later, he was posed in a slight yoga contortion with his arm wrapped around his torso, rubbing the opposite shoulder.

Honestly, I don’t make it a point to stare.  It can be rude and awkward.  But when the guy not five feet away from my person is well on his way to crawling out of his skin, I can't look away.  I suspected too much caffeine.  Or drugs.

The coffee cup went up to his lips, and then down again.  He got up abruptly, walked around the coffee shop, and then sat down again, legs banging against the shared table.  He went through the same set of motions again and I started to get worried.  For our safety (and his sanity).

All of a sudden, up he leapt and walked briskly out the door, leaving behind all of his things.  Three minutes later, he appeared at the checkout counter anxiously shepherding forward a petite girl, shoulder slightly collapsing under the weight of her loaded bookbag.  She had the longest eye lashes and fluttered them just-so, gingerly sat down next to him, and pulled out her textbook and started reading.  His movements became less manic.  They shared a coffee cup.  She leaned over and gently touched his shoulder to ask the occasional question.  He laughed and casually answered them as he stared intently at his iPad screen.  She, subdued, went back to her book, eyes occasionally darting over to glance at him.

She kept fidgeting.

Thunder rolls

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Summer thunderstorms rolled through this weekend, knocking out power all over the city and for a bit at my apartment on Saturday afternoon.  It's scary how ill prepared I am for any type of emergency - no candles, back up water, generator, just sitting in the grey light watching the rain beat down on the planters and the rosemary bushes outside.  Sudden and bright flashes of light and loud booms of thunder were my entertainment and the storm was so loud that it would have been impossible to accomplish anything else.  At times, we need to take a break, a breather, a pause and at times it's forced upon us.  This weekend, I'm glad for the slight reprieve that was forced on me.  Unfortunately, the cooler weather brought by the storms burned off quickly and the blazing sun was back too soon.

Obviously the home for this week has been cleared out for the sale, however the structural bones of this house are still fairly apparent.  Loads of windows, beautiful wood floors, and the ceilings in the kitchen, it's lovely and very simple.  I could easily see this filled up with all of my things.  Or maybe just pillow forts.  Pillow forts and faerie lights to my heart's content.

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