The fine art of conversation

Society6
I've recently had two unexpectedly very good conversations with friends that I don't regularly speak to (one of whom you all know quite well).  Good conversations are the marshmallows in the box of Lucky Charms, the milk caramel-centered chocolate in the box of coconut cremes.  They make me giddy, optimistic, and motivated.  A really good conversation can keep you coming back to it for days, twisting it around in your head to examine all the angles.  Unfortunately more often than not, conversations that I have these days (and I have no one to blame except myself) are about superficial things or people.  Noise rather than anything substantive, although I rather feel that the subject of the conversation is almost secondary to a very GOOD conversation.  So how do I make these happen more often?  Because if one is great, then more must be better.  And it's about making sure that my conversation with someone has three key characteristics: attention, interest, and interaction.

I cannot stress attention enough, particularly with all of us and our smart phones receiving blings and blangs from every which way, telling us about a birthday, a successful souffle, a poopy diaper.  And I'm so terribly guilty of checking my phone, of looking at the tv screen behind the person's head, of checking out the patrons walking in and out of a restaurant, instead of focusing on the person talking and what he/she is saying.  On top of being easily distracted.  You won't have a good conversation if you miss every other word a person says.  Or if you forget what the point they made five minutes ago because you weren't paying attention.  That being said, if you're looking to end a conversation quickly, do all those things above, simultaneously.

Interest / openness is where I suppose the subject of the conversation comes into play.  If you are not interested in the topic at hand or even open to the topic becoming the focus of the conversation, poof the conversation is lost, at least on that point.  What does Penny tell Sheldon in TBBT - improv is all about saying yes.  It applies to conversations too, which doesn't necessarily mean agreement on the topic but agreement that it should be one that is discussed.  Some of the best conversations that I've had have been about the most obscure of subjects but it's the willingness of the parties to explore the topic and its different angles that made it memorable.

And the last one is an obvious one but interaction is key.  I am certain that we have all been part of those one-sided conversations, which by the way is called a monologue, where you could put the phone on mute, come back in five minutes, and not miss a thing.  Or sit nodding yes like a dashboard bobble head for half an hour.  Remember kindergarten playground rules.  Take turns.  Try not to interrupt (guilty of this as well).  Also, ask questions.  Because sometimes the answers may surprise you.  And in a good way.

What is the last really good conversation you had and what did you talk about?


Comments

  1. It was actually with my hubby yesterday, we started to talk about how things were when we met 15 years ago and how far we´ve come during those years in different ways. It was such a good reminder. :-)

    http://tinajoathome.com/

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  2. Such a good post! A good conversation is hard to have but when it happens it is brilliant. I'm lucky to have had quite a few recently especially since I stopped working as I now have more time to meet friends face to face for lengthy catch-ups. I can't have a conversation on a phone though. I can listen but bizarrely, something stops me saying much back. Very weird !!

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  3. this is so true, I'm the person checking out the doorway/window/other people in the café. I'm just too nosy for my own good.
    I stayed at a friends house I went to primary school with, it's only the second time I've seen her in over 20yrs and we had such good conversations about our school days :)

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  4. I am a truly awful conversationalist. I'm brash, dismissive and very easily distracted. It's one of my biggest downfalls. But I also believe awareness is key and I am very aware of how shit I am! I now have the pleasure of working with two wonderful girls who are fantastic to talk to. They listen, they ask questions and they are genuinely interested in the answers. I'm sticking close to these gals, hoping they will rub off on me. We had a fantastic boozy lunch the other day and some very good conversation was had!

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  5. Ah yes...the monologue. Have had too many of these, but mostly it's because of me not really having anything substantial to say...sigh.
    But yes....nothing brightens up my day more than a brilliant conversation. My last good one was with my hubby (I think), which is probably why we still get along all these years:P

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  6. I know, right? I mean, conversion is such a personal issue. It's something you definitely want to examine all the angles, as you mentioned. You're so right. And those people who try to talk us into it, how dare that insult me and my religion that way!!! But I'm happy for your two friends. I'm sure they'll be very happy they took Penny's advice and said yes. Thanks for sharing, as usual I treasured every word. I don't know why some people bother commenting when it's clear they didn't really pay attention.

    I hope to enjoy today's good weather before it gets cold again tomorrow.

    (Excuse me? The topic was what???)

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  7. Anyone know how to delete a comment?

    lol

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  8. Good question! I don't really remember the last great conversation, but I'm sure it was some time in the past weekend. I always have really good ones with Bob, mostly because he's so great at it (though I'm not, I have my moments). I often run out of fuel quickly and clam up. I think the biggest problem that peple have with conversation, generally speaking, is not listening. We have such short attention spans!

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  9. I love having a really good conversation as well,
    as it really makes me think and look things the
    other way. I think being open for topics is indeed
    important c; Xx

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  10. Ooh, I do love good conversation--although, I'm not always the best participant. I'm more of a mull-er. But I love to be in a group of people far more intelligent than I; more often than not I just sit there and soak it all in . . . and think of my contribution a few days later. :)

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  11. Great post! A couple of days ago I met with some friends who I don't see that often. We did not even need a specific topic to talk about, it was just so great to see them and catch up and talk about anything that cam into our minds.

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  12. I love good old conversations especially with my boyfriend and close friends.

    Katrina Sophia Blog

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  13. I think there was a beer ad campaign (Stella? something?) a year or so ago that had billboards in the subway station that had a similar message. It was something along the lines of "The art of conversation is listening, instead of waiting to talk." Pretty deep for a beer ad, right? But it made me think that especially in this all-digital world, we tend to get frenetic in our conversational habits: checking other media, bouncing from topic to topic, waiting to chime in on what someone else is saying. And with all this hyper-connectivity, there's LESS we have to talk about face to face, because we've seen their status updates. My brother even joked with my yesterday that he liked my shoes, but he didn't remember seeing them on my blog ;) I don't know if I have an answer for how to make REAL, really GOOD conversations a regular thing, but I think unplugging has a lot to do with it. Good thought-provoking thing for a Monday (ironically, the internet is down at work right now, so I'm hijacking another floor's wifi. So much for un-plugging!) xo

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  14. so so true. and i think listening is one of the hardest things to do. especially when listening to someone who has come to you looking for advice. with me and my girlfriend, we have wonderful conversations, about anything and everything. we also give each other opportunities to do venting sessions. and we complement each other so well because when one of us is doing the venting, she listens.. takes our side but then so naturally steer the conversation so that it's no longer a venting session but where we try to give benefits of the doubt and see where our flaws may lie.

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  15. I need to work hard at unplugging, but I AM getting better at it. Baby steps, right? Neel and I have had really, really good conversations with Cal gone and I hope that continues. We've had good talks *with* Cal too. But the check, check, check of my phone. Guilty. And ashamed. Need to work on that.

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  16. i have a couple friends who are talkers. there's no getting a word in, for like an hour. it's intense. sometimes it just drives me nuts! but you know when you need something i have found 'these people' (i have grouped them into a type, in fact i think it's a sun sign ;)) they are there for you. when you really need to talk and hash something out they are at the front line ready to listen to you repeat yourself and go over every single option again and again. so even though sometimes it still drive me a little crazy, i find it endearing too. i know they are just always there for people so when they reach out they are like "blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" and need to unleash. i know it means they feel like they can do that with me and that makes me happy. and honestly now that i am home with my boys and my work all the time and i can get that way a little bit when i have someone to talk to. i always have this voice in my head however that is saying "don't forget to ask questions!" but i never just start talking for an hour and i am pretty conscientious about looking at people while they are talking. i try to not look "around" them, though i do look at my phone sometimes but i feel shame immediately.

    as for good conversations oh, it's been too long for me i think. but i am with you i can just be high from that for a week. it's so healthy and good for your mind and soul.

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  17. oh, I'm a talker. I love (live of) good conversations, and I am blessed to have quite a few of them in my life these days. I in particular remember one from about a week ago :)

    in general, I call them mind-fucks (excuse my language) - there is nothing as invigorating as a good conversation. and I fully agree with everything you said about them!!

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  18. sounds cheesy but i always have the best convos with my husband. when he actually wants to listen and we can talk for hours. sorta crazy.

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  19. Nothing beats a really good conversation. And not the small talk that we do when we are nervous or at the office and such. I am guilty of being the easily distracted type and really need to work on slowing down and re-immersing myself into the present and now. I really need to put down the phone, as they say. Especially when it comes to communicating with loved ones and friends.

    Did any of that make sense? Lol.

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  20. I had dinner and drinks this weekend with some friends and there was very little cell phone checking and many good conversations. After dinner/drinks and at coffee {I'm a lightweight and needed to wait the tequila out at a coffee shop with a friend before driving} there was even better conversation maybe because the location was low key but it was nice to have a night like that. It helps me to remember why I'm friends with these particular people.

    The same night, we were making fun of other people who talk, wait the other person out, and then don't respond to what the other person says but just continue on their monologue. It's so funny when it's two people who do it to each other but annoying when you are stuck in the conversation yourself.

    I'm glad you had such great conversations as well!!

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  21. I love this. I live for good conversation, and it makes me so happy when I make a friend who is willing to have deep conversations that could last for hours. Those are the best kind of friendships.

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  22. Good conversation is certainly a lost art, distractions everywhere. I've found it hard to have conversations with other kids around ;). Nevertheless, I am trying to make an effort to really talk to my husband now and then so that we just aren't exchanging good mornings, and how was work today?

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