The bearded ones

Favourite bearded man and late artists Alan Davie
I strongly believe and am utterly convinced that all bearded men are members of a clandestine society.  And clearly to become a member of this club, you have to have a strong beard game.  A goatee or mustache alone is not going to grant you entry, regardless of how long, curly, or wispy it is.  Ranking or seniority within the fraternity is established by the number of items one can hide in his beard.  Bonus points are given if the beard can be braided or used to frighten small children.  Female members are incredibly rare but highly touted and celebrated.  And of course, November or Movember is recruitment month.

But how, you might ask, do you know this club exists, particularly if it's so secretive?  Because I've been watching (and listening) closely (but not creepily).

At the local wood-paneled coffee shop the other week, a heavily bearded fellow was in the checkout line.  Another bearded gent had risen from his table and was leaving when he saw the other bearded brother.  They exchanged very slight head nods and also some indistinguishable bass tone dialogue.  I imagine it was something like the following:

“Going to the chapter meeting next week?”

“Yes, I think the topic is Beard Oils and Assorted Unguents.”

"Looking forward to it.  Last week's meeting on Beards: Nature's Disguise was captivating.  I'll see you there, brother."

Have you spotted any evidence of the secret fraternity of bearded men?  Petra darling, I know you've got to have a story or two.


  1. I read this post twice.

    Then I got intrigued. It's an extremely impressive theory. I need to keep my eyes open. Movember might help.

  2. My dad has been bearded all of my life. He's goateed now. I think I prefer the beard. Neel was bearded for awhile in grad school, but bald now, he doesn't think it'll work for him. I'm okay with that.

    Is there a handshake too, do you think?

  3. I can see where you're coming from, and I don't mind a deliciously scruffy gentleman now and again. But then CBS Sunday Morning had to air this segment: and I was utterly nauseated by the end of it :(

  4. Oooh I'm going to be on the look out for secret handshakes between bearded members today

  5. Why did you out us this way??? :)

    Looking back, I think the first time I grew a beard it was to look older. At the time I just thought I hated dragging a sharp blade across my face. I DO hate that, but I think there was another reason. I've had a beard off and on since then.

  6. PS - I've never had a beard long enough to hide anything in. Never a bushy beard, always closely trimmed.

  7. if this club truly exists then i am going to have to say that their headquarters is likely here, in portland :)

  8. Hee hee! This was delightful! I love the idea of clandestine beard club :)

  9. Oh my gosh! This makes so much sense...I've seen little clues, mainly the excessive complimenting over each other's beards. They might as well start stroking each other.

  10. There's even a beard world cup.

  11. lol, I have plenty of stories. just no time to write them down at the moment. but no worries, I will be back to my word wielding days soon :)

  12. Ha! Christine . . . that is probably true. :)

    Also, it looks like my brother is trying to be president . . .


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