When time stands still

Society6
The breakneck pace with which 2014 has been galloping has been exhausting, to say the least.  It’s felt like everything this year has rushed by, and I’m caught looking at things in the rearview mirror.  My desperate attempt at slowing things down, for myself, has been to adjust life to my speed where I can but that doesn’t mean that everything else isn’t continuing to charge forward.  However, this week, life has hit the pause button.  My mom’s father passed away in the early hours of Monday morning and all of a sudden, it’s as though time is standing still.  Although it was not completely unexpected, his passing caught us all off guard.  With the recent onset of Parkinson’s and Alzheimer's, he had become too much to handle at home, even with a full-time caregiver, and was recently moved to hospice.  The doctors had told us that, with good care, he would have another 6 months, which we heard just this past weekend.

Everyone, myself included, is still trying to gather themselves, to respond in the way that is the most appropriate to his memory and helpful to the extended family.  It seems eerie how time seems to crawl to a snail’s pace at times like this.  Time is now frozen as a windowpane that has just been shattered, on the shards spinning and twinkling in mid-air.  Whether they fall harmlessly or with a slicing, dicing crash is yet to be seen.  Frozen time, with its slogging thaw, has us all captive, and I am tired and weary of it all already.

Perhaps it’s a good thing that time has paused, for us to find our sense of closure.  My emotionally-stunted, robotic self is always unsure what to do in times and situations like these, how to react to others and how to express sympathy and grief.  Tears are something that have never seemed adequate to me, shed over frustration instead of sadness.  I promise I’m not a sociopath; during this pause, I intend to use my frozen time to figure out what his life meant to me and how to celebrate it.


Comments

  1. Oh, darling. I'm so sorry for your loss! Take a big deep breath and figure out where you stand, without the pressures of thinking what you're "supposed" to do or feel. I'm here for you & thinking of you, kiddo. So sorry. xo

    ReplyDelete
  2. i am so sorry for your loss. you know from meeting you and reading this blog here for a long time i just want to say i think you are one of the most kind people i've met, definitely not robotic and not with lack of emotion. you seem to always think of others, so i am sure that you will be there for your mom as you always are because you are just such a kind and thoughtful person. take care. xo

    ReplyDelete
  3. Listen to Christine. She's a very good judge of character.

    Everyone is unsure at times like this. All we can do is be ourselves and take lots of those deep breaths Erin mentioned.

    I can't imagine anyone woulld ever think of you as a sociopath. Me? Sure. But not you!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm really sorry about your grandfather, Ruth! I think everyone feels unsure of how to 'properly' express their emotions at times but it certainly doesn't make you a sociopath or robotic. It really just makes you human and you have to express yourself the way that works for you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am so sorry for your loss, Ruth:( And I'll let you in on a little secret...when my father passed away, I was in that same "robotic" state....(((hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm sorry to hear. I'm not good with stereotypical expressions of emotions either. I live too much in my head for that and, like you, wouldn't consider any response appropriate [how strange to even think about that]. I'm thinking of you and your family. xo

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm so sorry about your grandfather. I know that's so hard for you and your family. When tragedy hits, times really does stand still. No problem in soaking up that "pause". Thinking about your and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear this! Losing a loved one is always hard, even when it's not completely unexpected. Thinking of you and your family

    ReplyDelete
  9. :( So sorry for your loss. warm thoughts going your way.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am sorry to hear about your loss, and you are allowed to grieve any well you damn well please--don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ruth, I've been sick this week with headaches and limiting computer time. I'm so, so sorry I missed this post and missed a chance to tell you sooner how very sorry I am for the loss of your grandfather. My heart is broken for you. I know how devastating this loss is. Don't worry about the right or wrong way. There's only your way. Holding you in the light my friend. XO

    ReplyDelete
  12. I am so so sorry for your loss! It always hits you right in the face. Please know that I am thinking of you and sending you all my love! <3

    ReplyDelete
  13. oh rooth, i am so so sorry for your loss. am keeping you and your family in my prayers. (hugs)

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm sorry for your loss.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh Ruth, so sorry to hear about your loss. Sending you (and yours) heaps of virtual hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  16. So sorry for your loss Rooth. Sending you love and hugs xx

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular Reads