On stubbornness
I typically don't share a ton of personal details on my blog but family and stubbornness have been on my mind the past few days, so I hope you don't mind my post tonight. I had mentioned previously that recently my parents had gone to visit their respective parents in Los Angeles. My mom's dad has rapidly deteriorating vision in one eye, despite recent surgery, and has completely lost it in his other eye. My dad's mom has been undergoing dialysis for some time now and is now making four trips per week to the dialysis center. Neither of these situations cropped up overnight. Both sets of grandparents are fortunate enough to have hired help as well as family living with them 24/7 to assist, but tempers run hot and stress levels run high as everyone struggles to cope with the "new normal." I think the hardest part for each family member is just that - this may be the new normal.
My grandparents have been dealing with it in their own ways. My once-commanding and statuesque grandfather is slowly sinking into a quiet depression and losing mobility due to inactivity and muscle atrophy. My grandmother ignores the doctor's advice of keeping a bland, liquid diet and eats and drinks whatever she wants, having become incredibly food motivated and angry at her dietary restrictions. As a consequence, in the past month, she's already been hospitalized twice. My dad came back with a very important piece of advice for us all: don't become more stubborn as you age. The inability to accept or adapt to circumstances, in this case health, when they change puts you down a much harder path. I'm not professing to be a doctor but improving the handicap accessibility of your home or watching your diet are some small ways of making their situations a little more tolerable.
My dad, ever the practical one, says that they're teaching the younger generation a lesson and showing us, as they have done our whole lives, how to live to be better people. It's a lesson that I will not forget and hope that they can, in their own time, learn as well.
Oh Rooth, I am so sorry to hear about your grandparents. Stubborness has been on my mind a lot lately too. My great aunt has emphysema (from years of heavy smoking) and has been in and out of the hospital over the past couple of weeks. My pushing 90 year old grandmother is the only one around the care for her and it's taking a toll on both of them. My aunt refuses care and was sent home the other day only to be admitted a few hours later because she refused to put the heating on and got very ill very quickly. It's so frustrating for my sister and I as it looks like we will have to force care on her. So yeah, I can relate. And here's hoping I never get that stubborn!
ReplyDeleteMy grandfather keeps saying that old age is not for the faint-hearted, and it really isn't. It must be one of the hardest things to go through, especially losing your freedom. But it's so amazing to have help, and a family that loves you. I think taking care of someone who is going through old age is not for the faint-hearted either!
ReplyDeleteOh Rooth, this was hard to read, and I know, much much harder to live through. As your friend said up thread, aging is not for the faint-hearted, but neither is caring for our aging family. Neel and I were the "grown-ups" around to tend to things for my paternal grandparents, and it was sad and stressful and hard. Leaving them behind when we moved away was even harder.
ReplyDeleteI think that loss of control is what makes our elders so stubborn, is there some way we can make them feel like they are still captains of their destiny and take care of themselves?
I'm very sorry to hear this, Rooth. I know it all too well, unfortunately. My grandfather absolutely refuses to see the doctor and thinks he can cure any ailment with mango juice! First, it was funny. Then after hearing about how he had been on the floor for 2 days in pain (he refused to call anyone), it wasn't so funny anymore.
ReplyDeleteIndividually, stubbornness, depression and failing health are difficult to cope with (for the person and the loved ones). Combined, you and your family really have your hands full. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteIt's nice when parents/grandparents show us how to conduct ourselves, how to face life, I guess it's just as important that we learn from them when they show us how not to act. I learned many lessons that way from my dad--not so much about health, but lots of lessons about being stubborn. That's why it's barely a problem for me. *cough*
I'm so sorry to read this. I only have my maternal grandmother left, and never knew either of my grandfathers, but having an aging grandparent makes you so sensitive to the whole process. Getting crotchety, going deaf, still doing all the things they liked to do, just a little slower. I think your grandparents earned the right to be a little stubborn, personally. They've been around long enough to deserve to live whatever life they want. I know it's difficult for everyone else, but I'm sure they don't mean to be handfuls. They sound like very cool, interesting people and I bet despite all their medical ailments they still have some awesome stories to tell. xo
ReplyDelete((((hugs))))
ReplyDeleteYour father is right, Rooth. That's a great lesson to learn, and really something we all should try to remember everyday.
It is unfortunate that it's been hard for your grandparents to adjust to their new respective predicament, but it is to be expected. The older we get, the harder it is to change our ways.
When my dad got cancer, he went into a bit of depression himself, which never really went away up to his death. It was difficult to see, so I can understand what you are all feeling in regards to your grandpa.:(
Oh, so sorry to hear about your grandparents. It must be a difficult process for all. In light of everything, I'm glad you all have each other to help, support and get stubborn. But most importantly to learn. xx
ReplyDeleteI think it´s much possible that I´ll go against what others think at least sometimes when I get older - I´m kind of thinking that it´s old peoples way to say: "HEY, I´m still independent so don´t you try coming here messing with me". And even though I HOPE I´ll listen to good advice when I´m old, I wouldn´t bet on it, because I like feeling independent and I don´t like being told what to do. So maybe that´s how they feel too. :-)
ReplyDeletehttp://tinajoathome.com/
oh this just breaks my heart. i have been visiting my grandfather in the nursing home and they say "he's just really stubborn" and i think "fuck yeah he's stubborn!" he has a diaper on and he's blind and he used to be strong and independent and an artist . . . but on the other hand when i look at him i don't feel sorry for him at all, i just think - i'll do that. i will grow old and go backwards so i can live to see my children's children's children. a lot of people don't get that opportunity so i when i am there i just bribe him with cookies and it works. there's not enough pride in the world to turn down a cookie apparently ;)
ReplyDeleteoh, that's a tricky situation. I can especially relate to weird eating habits, having quite a few family members with diabetes. they all eat (ate) what they wanted, and their reasoning was that they were going to die anyways, so they might as well enjoy the rest of their time. hard to argue with, no? I kind of admired some of their stubbornness, to be honest. but I can imagine it must be hard if it puts them in greater risk of leaving you earlier than they have to...
ReplyDeletethinking of you xx
Oh so sorry to hear about the family situation. My late auntie passed away due to her stubbornness too. She refused to change her diet and even skipped her medication. It's all very sad because it was preventable.
ReplyDeletereally powerful.. thank you for opening up and being honest with us
ReplyDeletexx
such a good lesson to remember. we have similar situations in our family and it can be so frustrating. i do hope, like your dad said, that i remember to learn from it.
ReplyDeleteI only remember one of my grandmothers {and just faint memories of one of my grandfathers} and it is really hard watching them be stubborn and get old and ill - even if they were stubborn all their life. I totally get where your grandmother is coming from with her diet. I think I have told you it took me many months to change mine and that was only when I realized how much better I felt.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely agree with making your house more accessible and I think everyone can prepare for that even if they aren't there yet. There's no need to make things more difficult for yourself.
I'll be thinking of you and your grandparents.
My grandparents are pretty set in their ways as well. I agree with you..it's incredible what watching your diet can do for your life as a whole. I hope your grandparents are ok. It's hard on them and the entire family when life changes and difficulties become the new normal.
ReplyDeleteageing can be the hardest thing to deal with with family members :( so sorry:( hope they will eventually open their minds a little
ReplyDeletebit!\
Hanging out with the "old girls" as I do, I've realized there are some things I need to work on while young . . . because it will only get worse as I age. Both sad and hopeful, all at once. :)
ReplyDeleteI remember my father. He had dialysis, too. He hated everything -- medicine, food restrictions, he even tried to take out the tubes inserted in him! :( I understand by "new normal". It really sucked.
ReplyDeleteSorry that your grandparents are dealing with all this health stuff at once. My dad was pretty stubborn his whole life but even more so as he entered his 80s and 90s. Though, I can only imagine what it's like to live a pretty healthy life of 80 years and then seemingly-suddenly have to change your lifestyle and rely on others. So, I don't know if I could really be not stubborn in my old age since all the changes that I have to deal with as only-30 years+ is already hard!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear of your news, Rooth. Hang in there - thoughts are with you and your fam this week. xxx
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