On being sensitive

Society6
For the longest time, I associated being sensitive to the pain you would get in your teeth if you bit down on something too cold.  Sensitive people were girls like Mary Anne Spier from The Baby-sitter's Club, eyes prone to welling up with tears when she saw a kitten or possibly a lonely flower.  Sensitive people played peacekeeper and tried to make everyone happy, succeeding in making no one happy.  Sensitive people  enjoy riding an emotional roller coaster and experiencing the highs and lows from one minute to the next.

I didn't want to be a sensitive person, especially after seeing how they got stepped on or taken advantage of.  How they seemed to never stand up for themselves.  I think I have a certain knack for generalizations.

What I never saw coming and got blindsided by, particularly in the last few weeks, is that I am a sensitive person.  That I have been a sensitive person all along.  It bothers me if people are rude / not nice for no reason.  It affects me emotionally if someone's tone in a work email isn't exactly right or isn't erring on the side of politeness.  Or even if they look over their glasses at me wrong.  My eyes well up every time I read my little buddy's CaringBridge blog posts by his mom, reporting on his daily battle with cancer.  I do want all people to be happy, to get along and play nice.

I also pick up cues from my instant messages with friends on gchat, know when they're looking for advice or encouragement.  I can tell when a coworker feels insecure about a certain skill set and can respond appropriately when his manager asks me to boost his confidence.  I could read between the lines, within the first few pages, that Amy is batcrap crazy in Gone Girl.

So why do we hide that we are sensitive and pretend to have a thicker skin and laugh things off?  A girlfriend and I caught up in London last week and had an intense discussion about the status of her relationship.  But we kept punctuating the seriousness, concern and melancholy in her voice with punches of laughter and sarcasm.  Why are we afraid to get serious about the things that matter to us?  Azra touched on this with her blog post this week, in how it relates to not admitting to failure.

I think my personal aversion to being labeled as 'sensitive' is because it's an admission that things affect me.  I am influenced by other things.  That it might be interpreted as a weakness.  Which is silly now that I type it out.  We are all people living on a planet populated by other people and we are all influenced by things.  What does being unaffected, strong and independent all the time get you?  Does it leave you standing tall, proud and alone at the end of the day?  And if that's the prize, do you really want it?

Moral of the story (or the CNN.com synopsis version): Don't be afraid to care.  Be you.  And be nice to people, as often as you can be.


Comments

  1. For years, I've struggled with that in the work place. I had to put up a mask to conceal my sensitive nature just like you said, I didn't want that to be interpreted as weakness. I wanted them to feel I'm always in control especially in front of clients, when everything was falling apart in a project, I'd have this no-nonsense emotionless look as I say, "Everything will be okay, I'll take care of it." It was difficult to pretend and it got me, stopping my car in the middle of the desert screaming to get the emotions out when no one was looking. I realized later it's okay. The greatest relief was when the colleagues and bosses I worked for saw and accepted the sensitive part of me.

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  2. Love this post. Too often, being characterized as sensitive is misconstrued as being weak. I don't think that's necessarily the case. But I think that's the reason for people laughing things off, myself included. We don't like to show vulnerability. It makes people uncomfortable.

    I'm very much like you in that I read a lot into tones, especially in email and texts. Which probably isn't always accurate, considering that some people aren't very articulate or don't choose the correct words to express themselves (I can be guilty of this too). I often write and rewrite simple work emails just to convey a specific tone. I guess for some people, that would be weird, but I just can't help it.

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  3. "Don't be afraid to care. Be you. And be nice to people, as often as you can be."...AMEN!
    I never thought of myself as a sensitive person, mainly because most of the people around me tell me I'm not, but you know? If caring about rudeness and being affected by what others do means being one, then I am one, and I think most of the population are. We do care one way or the other about how people see/treat us. I guess it does boil down to feeling like we've failed if we admit that what others do affect us.

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  4. I agree with you...I've been one to shy away from the term "sensitive"...but there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. I also can't stand when people are rude and mean to each other...this world would be so much better if people were just a little bit nicer.

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  5. brilliant post. I'm with you all the way. I guess it's our western culture. it's so competitive. we always have to fight for what we want, have to get bigger, better, need to get more. all of these things don't go along with being sensitive. you are absolutely right. be you. care as much as you want. be nice. xxx

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  6. 'Sensitive' has gotten a bit of a bad rap. It's come to be more 'needy' than anything.

    But you're right: 'Don't be afraid to care. Be you. And be nice to people, as often as you can be.' It's the only way to live.

    It might not be the easiest (Lord knows, when you walk in the shoes of another, it can break your heart at times), but it's the most rewarding.

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  7. This post really speaks to me, Ruth. I have forever been comfortable in the fact that I am a 'sensitive' person (although, NEVER comfortable crying in front of others at a dramatic movie scene). I, all too often, find myself upset over the actions of others and have trouble understanding why they, "JUST DON'T THINK" to offer this, or do that, or simply word what they're saying with a more considerate phrasing or tone.

    My dad struggles with it too, for sure. That must be where I get it. But luckily, my mom has been trying to drive into my head that people will never think the way I do, may never be as thoughtful (not trying to toot my own horn- perhaps obsessive or analytical would make more sense here), and that I'll never be able to change that. They'll never be able to change me... that's just life, and those are both good things.


    ...and this comment just left me feeling like I should be more understanding. haha What's up with that?!

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  8. You're right, there's nothing wrong with being sensitive and in-tune with those around you. Those are actually wonderful qualities that many people lack, ie. people who put themselves before others, people who don't have filters when they speak, etc. Go you, for being you and proud!! I think I am able to let things roll off my back at times, and other times things bother me to no end.

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  9. lovely post rooth. what is it about spring that is bringing out the reflective nature in us bloggers. i think it is really wonderful and it's been really inspiring and motivating me lately.

    i have always been a sensitive person and it has at times been to my detriment but at most times allows me to be sensitive to others and see from all sides. it can be exhausting really, so i am sure that is why at times we push it down or push it away. it's emotional work! but as i have gotten older i am learning to have a balance between being sensitive and being a bit more level headed (when being level headed might be a better option, like not reading into the tone of every email ;))

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  10. I think that it comes down to not wanting to be vulnerable- because being vulnerable makes us feel weak and powerless and when we feel weak and powerless, we don't feel like we have any say or control in our lives... and all that is attached to our self-esteem and that innate instinct for self-preservation.

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  11. I love your moral and you did a great job describing what a valuable strength it can be to be sensitive to others. I've known too many people who were only sensitive to how they were treated, but completely insensitive to how they treat others. Self-absorbed! You have to be careful with those people--you may treat them better than they treat you, but they'll honestly believe you've slighted them...and the strength of that belief can be so strong they can get you to doubt yourself (and think you've wronged them, when in fact they wronged you).

    I think I'm sensitive towards others...I hope I am!

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  12. I think it's ok to be sensitive, and I even think it's a good thing when it makes you a kind and attentive person! But sometimes it drives me crazy. Like when something hurts your feelings and it's so trivial but it still had an impact, and then the rest of your day is a little bit tainted by it. It turns a good day into an ok day. I hate that! How do you balance being sensitive with not being so easily influenced by the actions of others?

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  13. I think 'sensitive' and 'assertive' are on two different axes. So, it's possible to be high in both, and I'm not really sure that this particular combination is necessarily looked down upon by others.

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  14. I think being sensitive is a good thing. It shows your heart. Sensitive people experience emotions on a different level than other people...and sometimes that can be quite an amazing thing.

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  15. I definitely think you can be sensitive but not let people walk all over you. I have worked with clients who call me up yelling over something and I could tell they were snapping at me because they were stressed about something else {like, they were yelled at by their boss, or they are overworked}, not because I had done anything truly wrong. Instead of yelling back or feeling bad about myself because I was yelled at I am able to diffuse the situation and calm them down. I think that is sensitive to how others are feeling and assertive by letting them know everything is okay and why.

    Also, I cry at shows {dramas} I watch. All. The. Time.

    I usually give people the benefit of the doubt in writing because it's so hard to judge tone or true meaning through a quickly written email. Sometimes things still throw me off though.

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  16. sensitive is good but overly sensitive is awful. i had an episode with someone overly sensitive a few weeks ago for the stupidest of reasons and now our relationship is over... what can i say! have a nice one my dear!

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  17. i'm totally sensitive, and it SUCKS

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  18. I agree with you. I am sensitive too. I worry a lot when somebody just works too loudly and I start to think they are mad at me. I learned that I am very sensitive when I asked people if this person is mad at me because this person always works very loudly (like bangs something, etc etc) turns out this person is always like that. Then I started thinking maybe I'm just too sensitive that it gets me fully anxious and then stress myself out. Sometimes, it sucks being too sensitive but what can I do? I try to stop being like this but I just can't. So why pretend to be something I'm not? I've read Azra's post as well. She has a point. And I'm still asking myself why. Why are we always trying to hide our failures, or joke at it when it hurts inside? I hope I get to understand much deeper about it in the days to come.

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  19. Being kind and gentle to others is a lost art, and it breaks my heart. I'm super sensitive, have known it forever, and I totally own it. I cried at a friend's birthday party at an arcade at age 13, because there was a racing car game where someone ran over a "deer" and it "died." Sure, it was virtual reality, but it just broke my mood. I cry over people not giving up their seat on the bus to the elderly, I cry over pigeons with deformed feet. Being sensitive is totally, completely okay. I'm happy not being hardened and desensitized to the world around me. I'm glad you are too.

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  20. Oh my goodness another great and insightful post. Being sensitive, and caring for others is so important - caring for others is what make the world goes around, and opening ourselves to vulnerability allows others to care for us, and vice versa.

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  21. Lovely post, Rooth...
    Ronnie xo

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