The Iceberg Theory by Gerald Locklin

Nomad Slim
Because it's okay to like something because you just plain old enjoy it... and bollocks on what everyone else thinks.

The Iceberg Theory by Gerland Locklin

all the food critics hate iceberg lettuce.
you'd think romaine was descended from
orpheus's laurel wreath,
you'd think raw spinach had all the nutritional
benefits attributed to it by popeye,
not to mention aesthetic subtleties worthy of
veriaine and debussy.
they'll even salivate over chopped red cabbage
just to disparage poor old mr. iceberg lettuce.

I guess the problem is
it's just too common for them.
It doesn't matter that it tastes good,
has a satisfying crunchy texture,
holds its freshness
and has crevices for the dressing,
whereas the darker, leafier varieties
are often bitter, gritty, and flat.
It just isn't different enough and
it's too goddamn american.

of course a critic has to criticize;
a critic has to have something to say
perhaps that's why literary critics
purport to find interesting
so much contemporary poetry
that just bores the shit out of me.

at any rate, I really enjoy a salad
with plenty of chunky iceberg lettuce,
the more the merrier,
drenched in an Italian or roquefort dressing.
and the poems I enjoy are those I don't have
to pretend that I'm enjoying.


  1. I totally agree! If everyone else doesn't like it, everyone else is probably wrong. :)

  2. HA! I love this. Sometimes simple is better. Sometimes joy is just joy, I love iceberg. Not all the time, but nothing's better on a burger.

  3. In defense of iceberg lettuce, you try eating leftover salad with something like arugula or mixed greens the next day...limp as a wet towel, I tell ya. Iceberg holds its shit together. xo

  4. oh my gosh i love this so much. when i was little my job in the kitchen was making the "iceberg lettuce salad." that's what we called it, as if it was something really fancy. and i thought it was. so i guess it was. i am totally going to go buy some iceberg lettuce today!

  5. yep, whatever floats your boat :). do it.

  6. Amen on that last two lines:D
    PS I love iceberg lettuce too...hehe

  7. I'm a fan of iceberg lettuce...and allowing people to like what they like without faulting them (as long as its legal :). Iceberg iSync lettuce of choice, but lately I've been eating romaine because: 1) that's what's on the salad bar near work; and 2) it's all my wife buys.

    I shredded hundreds of heads of iceberg lettuce iny youth. First you bash it on a flat surface (to loosen the core), remove the core, then into the blades.

  8. Autocorrect turned "is my" into "iSync"!!!

  9. Haha, this made me laugh so much! Love it!

  10. Ahaha! I love this poem! :)

  11. Hahaha- blasted food critics... They've certainly turned me against poor 'ol iceberg!

  12. I've never craved iceberg lettuce like I do after reading this. :) I usually stray from it for a more nutritional leaf, but goodness, it is great with a bit of bleu cheese. I'm sure roquefort is even better- never thought of that!

  13. This is great, I am proud to say that I am a proud iceberg fan. I was directed over to this poem after I posted a recipe for homemade, good old-fashioned french dressing on a wedge of iceberg lettuce. It's damn good and people just need to just relax about it! ; )


Post a Comment

Popular Reads